When "Help" is Condescension

By Jill Krueger Wagner

I was recently on the receiving end of some unsolicited advice and it reminded me of a situation I had  years ago.

I’ve always tried to be a helpful person. If someone is struggling in an area that I, too, have struggled and I’ve overcome the issue, I often share what worked for me. It wasn’t until someone offered me some very unwanted “help” that I realized how condescending that can be.

Since I became a Christian four years after I married, I found myself “unequally yoked.” That is the term for a committed Christian who is married to someone who isn’t yet committed. This caused many problems in our home.

Around this time, the song, “Household of Faith” was popular. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-IX8iBRt48&list=RDm-IX8iBRt48&start_radio=1

It was the desire of my heart to have such a home. Each time I heard the song I yearned for it to be so. But one Sunday the song was sung at my church and Ray and I were in a bad place. Hearing the song was too much for my aching heart. I left the sanctuary, went into the bathroom and bawled.

A sweet young girl came in. She showed great concern for me and her expressed concern was like a salve to my aching heart. Unfortunately, she told an older woman about me. That woman came into the bathroom to “help” me rescue my marriage. Unfortunately, she wasn’t led by the Holy Spirit. She offered lots of different ideas to help me – all of which I had tried to no avail, making me feel even more defeated. I didn’t want to explain that, I was hurting & didn’t want her unsolicited advice.

After that encounter, the Lord reminded me of situations in which I had offered unsolicited advice and it dawned on me how very patronizing that can be.

Now, instead of plowing ahead, I ask the Holy Spirit if I should say anything. I try to be sensitive to His leading. If I say something like, “Oh, I’ve had to deal with that, too,” sometimes they will ask me what I did. If they don’t, it’s my cue to ask if I can join them in prayer for the situation. That way, I’m not approaching them in a superior fashion but as a cohort in a situation.

I’d love to say I always do that but sometimes, I, too, plow ahead. If I’ve done this to you, please forgive me. I’m one flawed human being. Just know my “help” is never meant to belittle. 

Not this German girl!

By Jill Krueger Wagner

I was married for four years when I became a committed Christian. When I told my husband I’d decided to dedicate my life to Jesus, he responded, “That’s not what I signed up for.” He resisted my faith & often made my life difficult. I’m a gung-ho sort of person & when I make a decision, I tend to go full force at whatever I’m doing. Ray objected strenuously to my devotion.

I really wanted to be a good Christian so I studied the Bible to discover how to please God. Then I came across Ephesians 5:22 & I said, “Not this German girl.” The thought of submitting to my husband (who at that time was making my life very difficult) rubbed me the wrong way. Every fiber of my being said, “no way!”

My minister counseled me to submit and do it sweetly, not angrily, but I was angry about it. No way was I going to be a doormat for Ray or anyone.

It didn’t take me long to learn that God doesn’t take rebellion lightly. Every time I was given the opportunity to submit, I refused. The Lord disciplined me each time. Gently at first but each time the consequences became more severe. The last time I ended up with a flat tire & I very clearly heard the Lord say, “Do you want to know what comes after a flat tire?” I didn’t.

There was a multi week class at church that I wanted to take. When I mentioned it to Ray his response was, “absolutely not.” I was furious. I railed at him, “Absolutely not? Who do you think you are – my father. I already have a father; I don’t need another one.” Then I heard that still quiet voice say, “Jill, you’ve submitted data, not submit.” This time, remembering the flat tire, I did.

The Lord took up my cause & for the first time in our marriage Ray reversed a decision. Ray was bullied by a man who towered over him. When he told me about what happened, I couldn't help but smirk. He asked me why & I said, "I know what it's like to be bullied - it's no fun." He responded "Is this because of those classes? Fine, go." I learned that doing things God’s way really does work. But then…

What was I to do when Ray forbade me to do something God asked me to do? God says, submit to your husband but he also says to tithe. When I started working, I immediately gave the first 10% of what I made to God. After a bit of time, Ray decided he didn’t like me doing that & he actually told me to stop. I was befuddled. But then I prayed. Jesus is the Mighty Counselor & what He counseled me to do was brilliant. My next paycheck I made out my tithe check but, as God directed, I made it out to Ray. I said something like, “Ray God tells me to tithe but He also says I’m to submit to you. This is the money I would give to God but I’ll give it to you instead. What you do with it is between you and God.” That left a serious impression on him.

It wasn't too much longer and Ray turned his life over to Jesus. I believe my submission was a factor.

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1 Timothy 6:6

By Jill Krueger Wagner

 According to Dictionary.com contentment “is the state of being happy, pleased, and satisfied with your current life situation. It is a calm, peaceful ease of mind rather than a loud or excited form of happiness.”

In Philippians 4:11-13 St. Paul said that he’d learned to be content in whatever circumstances he was in. He’d learned the secret of being content – whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. He was able to do all things through Christ who strengthened him.

Paul was in prison when he wrote that but before that he’d experienced great suffering for proclaiming that Jesus is Lord. In 2 Corinthians 11:23-27 he recounts the things he suffered for Christ. He’d been imprisoned, scourged, beaten with rods, stoned, shipwrecked, etc. Was it in these situations when he learned to be content? As I ponder all he went through, my thoughts on my present situation take a dramatic turn towards recognizing that I have it easy compared to Paul. I’m challenged to accept the fact that God knows where I am. He knows the challenges that I’m facing. He is right here with me. He’s got this. All I need to do in remember “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

My Biggest Failure

By Jill Krueger Wagner 

 

Our mother taught us to pray from an early age. She and my father were moral people. I remember my dad telling me that he had read all of the New Testament and attempted to live his life according to its principals.

Being raised in the 50s, we were expected to go to church every Sunday. That was one of the reasons that St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church was started by our dad and a group of likeminded individuals. Can you imagine trying to get four littles ready for a church 15-20 minutes away? We needed a church closer so they set about forming one.

As a child I had a very spiritual nature. I attribute that to two things. My mom’s prayers for me before I was born and my loss of hearing as a preschooler. When I couldn’t hear others speaking, I think I was more attuned to God. Even after the operation that restored my hearing, I felt very close to God and wanted to please Him.

That closeness was temporarily lost in college during the “God is Dead” Era. Even after college, having grown up in a household that valued work, I felt my productivity was the most important thing in my life. But then I became desperate for God and turned back to Him. Unfortunately, on occasion, I still struggle with making productivity my God.

When I turned back to God I was raising Ray, 10-years-old, Todd, 8-years-old, and Brandon 17 months. Meredith hadn’t yet been born yet. I dived full-force into being a Christian. Reading my Bible, going to church, and even listening to Christian radio. I attempted to instill into the kids “Christian principles.” I stressed performance way too much. Prayer and listening to God’s voice was lost in the shuffle of a busy household.

If I could go back to those days, I would do this. I would tell them that God loves them even more than I do and He wants to guide them. I would remind them that there would be times when I wasn’t with them and they would need His wisdom. I would still try to instill in them a love for the Bible, because it’s how we learn what God is like BUT I would tell them to seek His voice.

My minister once told me, “Jill in our heads there are voices we hear; our own, God’s, and the Devil’s. The challenge is to determine who we are hearing.” I would add “the world” to that list.  I never taught that to my kids. Knowing the Bible helps us discern what God would or would not condone BUT the way He tenderly leads each of us is unique to each person.

If you have kids, make them aware that God still speaks – the world says He doesn’t. When they are little challenge them by asking them if “this or that” sounds like God. Pray with them and let them hear you pray for them. I can’t help but feel that my lack in this area is my biggest failure. Don’t make the same mistake!

Adjusting to a New Normal

By Jill Krueger Wagner

I once read, “Make a friend of change, it’s the only constant in life.” I didn’t agree. I thought to myself, “Jesus is also a constant in my life.” However, I’ve never forgotten the sentiment. Applying it isn’t easy for me. Not liking change doesn’t negate the fact that adjustments must be made when your circumstances are upended. I find comfort in routine so when it’s disrupted, I often flounder.

Since I’m adjusting to one of the biggest changes in my life, I’ve learned a few things.

First, focus is everything. I must choose what I focus on. If I focus on the difficulty of adjusting to a new circumstance, life is hard, hard, hard. If I focus on finding God’s good plan for my new circumstances, I can find peace.  “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you.” Isaiah 26:3 NIV

Second, I need to recognize that I don’t have all the wisdom I need - a friend might be able to help me. Pride might tell me not to share with others so that I appear knowledgeable & in control but that just robs me of wisdom found in the collective of many minds. “Without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22 ESV

Third, sometimes I just need to take a break from trying to solve an issue. I need to rest with God.  “Be still and know I am God!” Psalm 46:10 NIV

Fourth, when I need to adjust to a situation, I have a tendency to fold into self-pity but the quickest way to pull myself out of that temptation is to praise. “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His possession, so that you may proclaim the praises of the One who called you out of darkness.” 1 Peter 2:8

So, I must focus on God, seek wisdom in counsel, rest in His Presence & praise Him. 

Lord, build Your Kingdom in me in the midst of my distress. Amen

 “Lord,” Thomas said, “Lord,” said Philip, Judas (not Iscariot), said to him, “Lord…” John 14: 5,8,22

Indeed, the Word is “living, active and sharper than a two-edged sword” Hebrews 4:12

I have read John 14 many times but today for the first time I noted that three different disciples asked questions of Jesus in this chapter. Furthermore, they aren’t Peter, James, or John – the disciples who are in his inner, inner circle. What is the significance of that? I couldn’t tell you but it seems to me that each one felt comfortable enough to question the Lord. Who were these men?

Thomas

When Jesus decides to return to Judea when it was dangerous, Thomas was the disciple who said in John 11:16, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.” But he is most famously known as “doubting Thomas” for his refusal to believe Jesus had arisen when he wasn’t with the remaining 10 disciples when Jesus appeared to them. In John 20:24-28 He went fishing with six of the other disciples in John 21. He in the upper room in Jerusalem after the Resurrection, as were Philip and Judas, son of James. They were waiting for the promised Holy Spirit. He is listed with the other 11 disciples that Jesus chose

Philip

In John 1:43-46 we see when Jesus called Philip to follow and Philip’s invitation to Nathanael to do the same. When Nathanael doubted that anything good could come out of Nazareth, Philip encouraged him to “Come and See.” It was one of the seven “men of good reputation” chosen to oversee the daily distribution of food to the widows in Acts6:1-6. In Acts 8:26-40 we read of how an angel of the Lord and the Spirit directed Philip to evangelize an Ethiopian man and how the Spirit of the Lord carried him away after he baptized that man. He went to a city in Samaria and preached the Messiah to them and he performed signs. Acts 8: 5-13 Apparently Paul visited him in Acts 21:8-9 and it is mentioned that he had four virgin daughters who prophesied.

Judas (Thaddeus or Labbaeus)

This is all I could fine in Scripture. He was also known as the son of James (Luke 6:16 and Acts 1:13). Called Thaddaeus in Matthew 10:3 with a footnote that says “other manuscripts read ‘and Lebbaeus whose surname was Thaddaeus’” and also called Thaddeus in Mark 3:18. I imagine he would have preferred that name after Judas Iscariot’s betrayal!

According to Google (Therefore not Biblical but possibly true) “Following Pentecost, early church tradition indicates Thaddeus was an active missionary. He is believed to have preached the Gospel in Mesopotamia, Libya, Syria and Persia. He is highly revered in the Armenian Apostolic Church alongside St. Bartholomew, as tradition holds they both evangelized Armenia. Extrabiblical records suggest he was martyred around 65AD in Beirut or Persia, reportedly beaten with a club or ax.”

As I’ve studied these three men and the text today These are my thoughts:

As a disciple of Jesus each one of us who knows the Master is free to ask Him for clarification of things we don’t understand but our finite minds might still not grasp what we’re told

The concept of Jesus and the Father being one is difficult to understand but I’ll still believe it because He said it – and He should know!!!!

Being obscure in Scripture (or Christian circles) doesn't mean we're not known by the God who really sees and cares about our questions. 

Books That Helped to Shape Me

By Jill Krueger Wagner

 I am who I am today through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. He has often used written material to shape me into the image He had in mind when He created me.

These stand out in my memory of those written words that transformed me from an angry, bitter woman into one who relishes life in Christ. First and foremost, the New Testament.   http://bit.ly/4r2Tto6 It was in the New Testament that I first learned that I could never be acceptable to God in my state of pride – in doing things my own way. He showed me, through reading that nobody is good enough to be forgiven on their own (Romans 3:23 & 6:23) – we all must humble ourselves to admit we are all sinners who need a Savior and then submit to His rule of our lives. Oh, the depths of the riches one can find in the Word of God! Strength to survive trials and wisdom beyond human understanding. If you read just 15 minutes a day, you can read the entire thing in 90 days.

Bible studies have taught me so much through the years. The one that stands out from all of them is “Experiencing God.” This is the only study that I have done four times and reaped wisdom each time. https://bit.ly/4a98dw6

A daily devotional is a great way to start the day with a focus on God. I’ve loved many through the years but the one that stands out is “My Utmost for His Glory.”  It was originally written years ago so it has some archaic language – reading an updated one will help to understand.

https://www.christianbook.com/utmost-for-his-highest-updated-edition/oswald-chambers/9781627078757/pd/078757?event=BRSRCQ|PSEN

Andrew Murray’s “Absolute Surrender” is a classic that I am presently rereading. It’s a gem.

https://bit.ly/4qBGPfV

At a time when I had to deal with some very unreasonable people the book “Fool-proofing Your Life” was extremely helpful.   https://bit.ly/3M3KBjf

Since I’ve suffered with the affliction of speaking when I should be silent, “When to Speak Up and When to Shut Up” is one that I often pull out. I keep a copy of the questions to ask before confronting family or friends handy in order to reign in my tendency to “open mouth, insert foot.”  https://bit.ly/4pVo7yS

Because I periodically face the trials of life, I love the little purple book, “The Secret Power of Speaking God’s Word.” It’s so nice to have a resource with the index of issues we all often face. Speaking God’s Word out is very helpful to counteract my own negative thinking and the messages I hear in the world.

https://www.christianbook.com/the-secret-power-speaking-gods-word/joyce-meyer/9780446577366/pd/577367?event=BRSRCP|PSEN&ps_exit=PRODUCT|legacy&search_term=The%20secret%20power&Ntt=577367&product_redirect=1