As a mom of four, I often felt more like a referee than a
mom. Hearing yet another fight between the siblings would send me into “crazy
mom” mode. Yet, now I see I didn’t handle these verbal battles in the most
productive way. It never occurred to me that perhaps sibling rivalry is
actually God’s fight school. It is in the home that children learn either the
right or wrong way to fight. The wrong way is destructive, the right way is
constructive. God knows we will all be in fights for our entire life and He
wants us to do it right. Too often I intervened in fights when I should have
listened first and then attempted to have the combatants come to a mutually
agreeable solution.
If we look to the Bible to see how Jesus handled
confrontation we realize that Jesus was constantly being confronted. It’s
interesting to learn that His responses varied depending on the situation.
Most of us know He said to “turn the other cheek” in Matthew
5:39 but when someone actually struck Him in John 18:22 – He challenged that
person. So, clearly, there are times to turn the other cheek and times to
challenge. Only the Holy Spirit can help us to discern the correct course of
action.
We often see Him verbally sparring and correcting the
religious leaders of the day but he wasn’t always quick to respond. When the
woman was caught it adultery in John 8 they asked Him several times for a
ruling, He wrote in the dirt for a while then finally answered brilliantly. And
at His trials He spoke very little, although Herod plied him with questions,
Jesus gave him no answer. It seems there is a time to spar and a time when
silence is the best answer.
When He was in a confrontation with the Devil in Luke 4, His
answers were all Scripture. That is a good model for us all.
If I could have a do-over, this is how I’d handle my kids
fighting.
#1 I’d pray and seek God’s wisdom regarding what each of my
children needed to be equipped to fight in this cruel world of ours. Some kids
are natural fighters, some kids are natural appeasers. Both personalities have
their strengths and weaknesses. I’d spend time praying to understand each
child, most especially the one so different from myself. Once I got that understanding,
I’d look for a “life verse” to pray over each child. A verse that would include
what God wants them to know.
#2 As we see in Luke 4, the enemy attacks who we are:
“If you are the Son of God.” In a fight an opponent often uses this
tactic. Jesus knew who He was, even when the entire world disrespected Him. I
would teach my kids to know who they are. Rooting their self-worth in the fact
that God created them, loves them, and went to an extreme to prove that love
would give them a good base when others try to destroy them. On top of that,
I’d point out their good qualities. “Johnny you are a good listener. Johnny,
that was a very kind thing you did, I’m so proud of you. Johnny, thank you for
helping me.” I’d catch my kids doing things right and tell them so instead of
only telling them what they did wrong. Then I’d ask them, “Jenny, who are you?”
The first time I would ask, they probably wouldn’t know what to say. I’d need
to reinforce the positive qualities I see it them. “Jenny you are a child who tries
to do the right thing. Jenny, you have a good mind, you ask excellent questions.
Jenny, you defend and care about others.”
#3 I would help my kids understand there is a way to fight
like Jesus and a way to fight like the devil. Each of us has two natures – I
once heard it described as two German Shepherds living within us. One good dog
and one bad dog. Which dog will win the fight? The one you feed. I’d have each
child memorize John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I
have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” I’d ask if they
want to be like Jesus and give life with your words or do they want to destroy
with their words?
#4 I’d have a meeting with my kids. I’d talk to them about
how their fighting can be good or bad. It can clear away hurts or it can
inflict them. I’d ask them to talk to me about their feelings and try to help
them see the root of the fight. Is the other person hurt? Does she feel
disrespected? Is he/she being a bully on a power trip? Then we’d develop a plan
to deescalate the issue.
#5 I think I’d role play with them to see how they would act
when bullied by a sibling or even on the playground. And afterwards talk
together about what they did well and what they might improve on.
Although these aren’t the things I did with my kids, there
was a couple of things I did right. I didn’t favor any one child and I didn’t
pit them one against the other. I can’t really take any credit for that since
it is how I was raised. Also I learned in Genesis that favoring a child brings
disastrous results.
I pray anyone reading this blog entry will do better than I
and that all their children will get straight A’s in God’s fight school.
