Although I am steadily approaching my 74th birthday, I celebrated my first real Christmas in 1974. It was a time of extreme contrasts in my life. Prior to December of that year I was just about the most miserable woman in the world. To say that things weren’t going very well for me would be a gross understatement. I was an angry, bitter, and nasty woman. I had lost my sense of humor and had become totally self-absorbed. Steeped in self-pity, I considered suicide for the first time in my life.
I can still remember the day I
decided not to kill myself. I lay on my bed and stared at the curtains on my
window. It was early December and I didn’t have the holiday spirit at all. I
just wanted out of my personal hell. My depression was deep and from my
viewpoint all looked helpless. Then I remembered something I’d been hearing for
the last two years.
I had a new
friend named Terry Myers. Terry was a breath of fresh air to me. She had an
unbelievable sense of humor and was a total pleasure to be around. I wanted to
know what made her so happy. She said it was her “personal relationship with
Jesus.” Although I really didn’t have a clue what that phrase meant, I knew
from watching her that she did have something that I needed. She had an understanding
of the Bible that I admired and she talked about Jesus like He was her best
friend not just a historical figure. She professed a deep love for Him, not a
“Sunday only” love but a “24/7” love. She declared that Jesus was not just her
savior but also the Lord of her life. He was central in her life.
By example
Terry made me examine my own life. I went to church every Sunday and even
taught a Sunday school class. I had begun to read the Bible and was disturbed
by what I found there. If I believed what was written in the pages of that
book, I was in a very precarious position for I did not meet God’s
exceptionally high standard of behavior. I began to understand that I could
never measure up without the personal relationship with Jesus that Terry had spoken
about.
So on that
December morning I lay on my bed and debated about my options out of my misery.
I could kill myself or I could “die to self” and turn my life over to Jesus.
Obviously, I did the latter. I sort of expected lightening to flash or some
sort of “sign” but that didn’t happen. Instead, I began to understand for the
very first time in my life the deep love God had for me and what Christmas was
really all about.
I never
knew Jesus existed before Bethlehem. I never knew He came for the express
purpose of paying the penalty for my personal sin – I never even knew I was a
sinner! I never knew that He wanted more
than the Sundays of my life. I never knew that He longed to give me “the
desires of my heart”. I had no concept of the depth of His love for humanity in
general and me in particular. But on that December morning, He took my feeble
prayer to use my life in whatever way He saw fit and at that moment planted the
seed of true love in my heart. He has watered that seed; fertilized and pruned
the plant until it has produced for me the sweetest aroma of God’s love in my
life.
Christmas
in 1974, I finally “got it”. I got God’s loving gift sent to us in Bethlehem. I
received the best friend I’ve ever had. I received forgiveness for sins and strength
to live the way He desires. I received a vision and a purpose for my life.
Since that time I have discovered that “every day with Jesus is sweeter than
the day before.”
So I say Merry Christmas dear
family and friends. I love you and so does He!
