In this Painful Season

By Jill Krueger Wagner

Many times, when I’ve found myself in a difficult situation, I have asked God to show me how to navigate the circumstances in the light of Philippians 4:8. I would ask Him to show me what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy, given the events that have unfolded. So today, I came before Him and asked how do I find those things following the deaths of my mother, my son, and my friend in a short six months’ time?

What is true: God hates death – it’s reign over us in temporary.

Death is God’s enemy and will one day be destroyed (1 Corinthians 15:26).

The Devil came to kill, steal, and destroy but Jesus came to give us abundant life (John 10:10).

Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil (1 John 3:8).

What is noble:

Jesus wept, (John 11:35) so grieve honestly without pretense. Crying is not something to hide. Know that Jesus will bring good from this (Romans 8:28).

What is right:

We’re in the world, so we’ll have trouble but Jesus has overcome the world (John 16:33).

The death of God’s saints is precious to Him (Psalm 116:15) Mom, Todd, and Linda all knew God and were, therefore, saints.

What is pure:

I don’t grieve without hope as the world does, (1 Thessalonians 4:13) but know I’ll see Mom, Todd, and Linda again. I shouldn't fear strong emotions. If Jesus wept freely, so can I.

 What is lovely:

Thoughts of no more pain for my loved ones, not focusing on my loss but on their gain. Mom had been bed-ridden for eight months – now she’s walking streets of gold. Todd was tormented as a targeted individual – now he’s walking with Jesus and the saints, enjoying freedom. Linda’s health was so bad that she had difficulty walking a few steps – now she’s not hindered at all by her body.

 What is admirable:

Not hiding my pain but not displaying it unnecessarily either.

 What is excellent:

To believe all God says about death.

 What is Praiseworthy:

Proceeding daily to do all God’s called me to do.

My First Real Christmas

    Although I am steadily approaching my 74th  birthday, I celebrated my first real Christmas in 1974. It was a time of extreme contrasts in my life. Prior to December of that year I was just about the most miserable woman in the world. To say that things weren’t going very well for me would be a gross understatement. I was an angry, bitter, and nasty woman. I had lost my sense of humor and had become totally self-absorbed. Steeped in self-pity, I considered suicide for the first time in my life.

I can still remember the day I decided not to kill myself. I lay on my bed and stared at the curtains on my window. It was early December and I didn’t have the holiday spirit at all. I just wanted out of my personal hell. My depression was deep and from my viewpoint all looked helpless. Then I remembered something I’d been hearing for the last two years.

            I had a new friend named Terry Myers. Terry was a breath of fresh air to me. She had an unbelievable sense of humor and was a total pleasure to be around. I wanted to know what made her so happy. She said it was her “personal relationship with Jesus.” Although I really didn’t have a clue what that phrase meant, I knew from watching her that she did have something that I needed. She had an understanding of the Bible that I admired and she talked about Jesus like He was her best friend not just a historical figure. She professed a deep love for Him, not a “Sunday only” love but a “24/7” love. She declared that Jesus was not just her savior but also the Lord of her life. He was central in her life.

            By example Terry made me examine my own life. I went to church every Sunday and even taught a Sunday school class. I had begun to read the Bible and was disturbed by what I found there. If I believed what was written in the pages of that book, I was in a very precarious position for I did not meet God’s exceptionally high standard of behavior. I began to understand that I could never measure up without the personal relationship with Jesus that Terry had spoken about.

            So on that December morning I lay on my bed and debated about my options out of my misery. I could kill myself or I could “die to self” and turn my life over to Jesus. Obviously, I did the latter. I sort of expected lightening to flash or some sort of “sign” but that didn’t happen. Instead, I began to understand for the very first time in my life the deep love God had for me and what Christmas was really all about.

            I never knew Jesus existed before Bethlehem. I never knew He came for the express purpose of paying the penalty for my personal sin – I never even knew I was a sinner!  I never knew that He wanted more than the Sundays of my life. I never knew that He longed to give me “the desires of my heart”. I had no concept of the depth of His love for humanity in general and me in particular. But on that December morning, He took my feeble prayer to use my life in whatever way He saw fit and at that moment planted the seed of true love in my heart. He has watered that seed; fertilized and pruned the plant until it has produced for me the sweetest aroma of God’s love in my life.

            Christmas in 1974, I finally “got it”. I got God’s loving gift sent to us in Bethlehem. I received the best friend I’ve ever had. I received forgiveness for sins and strength to live the way He desires. I received a vision and a purpose for my life. Since that time I have discovered that “every day with Jesus is sweeter than the day before.”

So I say Merry Christmas dear family and friends. I love you and so does He!

Childhood Struggles by Jill Krueger Wagner

There is something uniquely troubling regarding childhood struggles. They seem to be Goliath in comparison to our every day David trials. They grab ahold of deep-seated fears of complete vulnerability. They taunt us with the recollection of our former defenselessness, threatening to take us there again. BUT we have a choice. We can focus on the battle the memories bring OR we can “fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith.” Jesus has promised to “never leave us or forsake us.” He is with us in every trial and can vanquish any foe – even the enemy in my head. God’s “strength is made perfect in weakness” So, I will take my feelings of helplessness to the One who will battle for me, for He who conquered death can overcome my anxious thoughts.

Rolling in Poop by Jill Krueger Wagner

I love having a dog but one thing that they do is very disturbing. They roll in poop. I learned that wallowing in gross smelling crap is an instinctual thing they do to mask their scent but, gee, it’s just plain gross. It makes them totally unlovable and it is a sure-fire way for them to get one thing they often hate – a bath.

Ironically, I have to admit that once in a while, I wallow in junk. What I roll in isn’t feces but stinky attitudes. My odors of choice are self-pity and anger. I roll around in those things so that I’m certain my Heavenly Owner finds my smell repulsive yet He still loves me. He bathes me in His Word so that I can smell more like Him. He reminds me to be thankful and slow to anger. Eventually I see those base instincts to wallow for what they really are – prisons locking me away from enjoying the life Jesus died to give me. He said, “I came that they may have life and have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

Saint Paul spoke about Christians spreading the fragrance of Christ to the world. That’s what I want, I want to wallow in His love so that I spread a sweet odor to those around me. Lord, show me how to spread Your fragrance and not roll in smelly stuff. Amen

The Me You Meant Me to Be

Years ago Moody Radio had a nationwide contest to write a psalm for Thanksgiving. I was blessed to be one of those chosen to have my psalm read on air on Thanksgiving Day. This is that psalm:

The Me You Meant Me to Be

By Jill Krueger Wagner

I glorify your name, Yahweh

I praise You for Your goodness and wisdom

Since my conception You’ve been shaping me into Your image

But fool that I am, I fought You for many years.

Blind to Your purposes, I resisted Your Ways

How ignorant for the clay to tell the potter how to do His work!

But, praise to Your name,

You showed me the way to true happiness.

Why did I cling to my sin?

Why?

I hated the person I’d become,

Yet I tenaciously clung to what I knew,

Miserable as I was.

Oh my God, how can I ever thank You for the work You’ve done in my life

Bitterness and anger were the gifts I brought.

You gave me love and peace in exchange.

Then I brought a proud look and self-righteousness

And You gave me Your own humility and sinlessness

Every dirty gift I’ve given You,

You’ve dipped in Your blood and declared it clean.

I’m not worthy of the love You’ve poured out upon me,

But still, You declare I am because of Your own loving kindness.

There has been no end to the gifts You’ve bestowed upon me,

But the one I cherish the most is the growing respect that has developed towards

The person I am becoming.

You have shown me that I am Your unique creation.

You are making me into a vessel that is fit for the Master’s use.

I’m not complete, yet, but it’s exciting to see Your work,

To be able to look forward to what I shall become,

Instead of backward at what I wish I was.

My heart fills with love for You, Lord.

Make me, mold me

Into the me You meant me to be.

Chosen by Jill Krueger Wagner

I wasn’t chosen as a child. I had deep wounds from the times on the playground or gym when sides were being selected. I was usually one of the last ones picked. But one day I finally asked God, “Where would You when I wasn’t being chosen?” I heard that still sweet whisper Christians know is God’s lovely voice replying, “I was right there saying, ‘Jill, I want you for my team.’” Since that day Scriptures that speak of choices have held a special place in my heart.

Here are some of my personal favorites. Read over them and, if you like, let me know in the comments what you learned.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit… John 15:16

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In  love he predestined us to be adopted as his son, through Jesus Christ… Ephesians 1:4,5a

…because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. 2 Thessalonians 2:13

Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance. Psalm 33:12

Now choose life so that you and your children by live. Deuteronomy 30:19b

…choose for yourselves this day who you will serve… Joshua 24:15

Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold. Proverbs 8:10

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to choose understanding rather than silver. Proverbs 16:16

…No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Matthew 11:27b + Luke 10:22b

If anyone chooses to do God’s will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. John 7:17

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God choose the weak things of the world to shame the strong; He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things – the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him. 1 Corinthians 1:27-29

Married Over 50 Years

By Jill Krueger Wagner

When young couples discover that my husband and I have been married over 50 years they often want to know the secret to a long marriage. I often laugh inwardly. In truth there were times when each of us considered divorce and our home felt like a battleground. There is no “secret,” but there are habits that make a marriage long-lasting and S.A.F.E., too.

Speak truth lovingly

Your mate will have habits and do things that irritate you. He isn’t perfect but just remember neither are you. If you want him to extend grace to you for your failings, do the same for him. This does not mean that we turn a blind eye to disrespect – God does not expect you to be a doormat. He gave you a brain, He expects you to use it and “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” You and your husband will sharpen one another as you work through disagreements in a loving way, accepting each other at the core level while gently pointing out faults you each need to work through to be like Christ. And to be like Christ you need to know Him and His Word. Read your Bible consistently. You will be amazed at the good advice found there, like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Make it your goal to love like that and watch your tongue – it can be a deadly poison to your marriage, James 3:8.

Accept one another

Many times I’ve heard the saying that God loves us where we are but He loves us too much to let us stay where we are. In order to be like Christ, we must accept our husbands, faults and all. We speak truth lovingly but it’s a pipedream to think that he is going to miraculously change a bad habit. Some of his bad habits may stem from long held pain. I think this is when we can turn into nags. Instead of “once again” bringing up his faults, ask God to remind him of what you’ve said and to use others to spur him on to change and pray. I once heard someone on the radio ask a woman “if your husband became wheelchair bound would you stand by him?” She answered in the affirmative. Then he went on to explain that some hurts are as crippling as a broken back and to encourage her to love him, anyway.

Forgive

Ruth Bell Graham often said, “A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.” YES!

You will have reasons to resent one another. We can all be thoughtless. When your mate does something that hurts your feelings, you have a choice to make. Will you “make them pay” or give them forgiveness? Be like Jesus and forgive. It is God’s commandment. Read Matthew 18:21-35 and remember we ask God to forgive as we forgiven (Matthew 6:12).

An excellent book on forgiveness is “The Art of Forgiveness” By Lewis B. Smedes.

Encourage

Life is tough and we often look at it only from our perspective. Be open to others who can show you what you may miss. An attitude adjustment can be found it unlikely places. When I was resenting Ray, I had a friend visit from out of town. I was dumbfounded when she told me I was lucky to have a man like Ray. When I asked her why she thought so, she explained that she had been married three times and was presently just living with a man and none of those men chose to financially support the family. To say I was stunned is a gross understatement. It never occurred to me that Ray wouldn’t support his family but there are plenty of men who don’t.

I was blessed to have a Pastor who had no trouble pointing out to me that I didn’t consistently act like a good wife from a man’s point of view. I lacked encouragement towards him so Ray sometimes felt that he was nothing more than a paycheck to the family. Pastor Diggs urged me to ask what was going on at work when he was in a foul mood. I was amazed at the correlation between work issues and his mood. As a good man who cared to support us, he couldn’t just walk away when work was tough – the bills still needed to be paid.

As I read over this blog, I can’t help but feel a bit of conviction because, although these are my desires, I don’t always live up to my own expectations for myself. Thankfully, I’m married to a man who accepts his very flawed wife.