Baby Steps (and Falls) in My Early Spiritual Journey

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

Once I committed my life to Christ, I watched others in the church to see what it meant to be a committed Christian. I noted some who said they were Christians but didn’t act like it – their moral compasses didn’t seem to be pointing North to heaven. However, there were others who had a grace about them. They seemed content in their own skin and would lovingly stand up for what was right. They treated those around them with respect. I began to pick the brains of these North-facing ones because I wanted to be one, too. As I spoke with them, they all seemed to have one thing in common – they consistently read their Bibles. They believed that the Bible was the Word of God and they didn’t just read it, they studied it, and even memorized it. I knew that I wanted to be a like them so I determined to read the Bible. Also, around this same time, my brother-in-law challenged me regarding the doctrine of the Trinity. I determined to find out what the Bible said about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit being God. I started reading from Genesis to Revelation to determine if the doctrine was in there. It is. Nowhere are they called the Trinity but all three are clearly shown to be God. That was one challenge answered but another was going to present itself.

I come from a family of very strong women. My great-grandmother traversed the country in a covered wagon. My mother achieved many firsts for women in our area and my godmother, although not a blood relative, showed me by example that women could be whatever they wanted to be – she was the first woman mayor of my hometown and dramatically impacted Mentor, Ohio.

So, you can imagine my distress when I read, “Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord” Ephesians 5:22. My immediate response was typical of who I was at that time. “Not this German girl!”

Even if Ray had been committed to Christ at that time and was following the command given to husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Ephesians 5:25, I don’t know if I would have submitted. But he wasn’t – at that time our home was more battleground than anything else. Ray was not happy with my new found faith – in his own words, “that’s not what I signed up for.” I certainly was not about to place myself under his control. I was not about to comply.

I went to see my minister to discuss the whole concept.

From what I remember about our talk, he explained as best he could to his hostile audience that the Bible didn’t say that women were less than men but that there was a prescribed hierarchy in marriage. I wasn’t buying it. I had a mind of my own and told him so. Again, he tried to explain that since God wants us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, He wants us to use our minds. Furthermore, just like a ship must have only one captain in charge who must answer to the ship’s owners for any decision that impacts the ship and cargo, the husband is answerable to God for the “ship” of our marriage.  Still not buying it. Even when I told him that Ray didn’t want me coming to church, he said then I should stay home happily. NOPE!!! Perhaps I’d have to stay home (he wasn’t above hiding my keys) but I would not be happy about it and the man would know the wrath of Jill. He “allowed” me to go to church on Sundays but no other day.

So, ironically, because Bible study at church was out of the question Christian radio was where I learned what God expected of me. I was mentored by some giants in the faith through the radio. I got a solid grounding in what it really meant to be a Christian. AND, much to my dismay, these same mentors believed wives should submit to their husbands – even the teachers who were women. Did I submit then? NO!

Over and over, I was given the opportunity to obey God in this, and over and over, I rebelled. And just like the way God discipled Israel through the years, He started disciplining me in small ways – things happened that, in my spirit, I knew were discipline from God, but I persisted. Finally, one day when I had fought with Ray and stormed out of the house I got in my car in response to a disagreement. Then I got a flat tire. Now those of you in my hometown know that as the first family of the town at that time, we knew everyone. Yet, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t find anyone to help me with that dang tire. I had to call Ray and that stuck in my craw. However, after that, I heard the voice of the Lord. He asked me this question, “Jill, do you want to see what happens after the flat tire?” Suddenly the fear of our righteous God grabbed me and I knew I didn’t want to see what God would do next. I reluctantly told Him, I would obey.

I didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity. There was a series of classes at night at my church that I wanted to attend. I spoke to Ray of my desire to which he responded, “Absolutely not!” It was like someone put TNT in my mouth and I exploded. I screamed, “Absolutely not!!! Who do you think you are –  my father? I don’t need another father.” At this I once again heard the Lord say, “Jill, you’ve submitted data, now submit.” Reluctantly, I did.

The result was something I will never forget. From the sidelines of the football field where Ray was a volunteer coach for one of our sons, I saw one of the other coaches, who towered over Ray, over and over again poke him in the chest. I wondered what was going on.

When we got home, Ray told me about the man insisted on his own way and bullied Ray into going along. I couldn’t help but smile. He asked me what was so funny to which I responded “I know what it feels like to be bullied and it’s no fun.” His reply was, “Is this about that stupid class you want to take? Go ahead, I’ll watch the kids.” To say I was stunned would be an understatement. In all our years of marriage, Ray had never backed down from what he said, this was a first and all of a sudden, I remembered all those Christians who told me that when we do things God’s way, he intercedes for us. Lesson learned.

 

The Beginning of my Spiritual Journey

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

Several years ago, someone on Facebook asked me why I posted so much about God. My response was something like “because He’d done so much for me and I love Him deeply.”

God’s work in my life actually began before I was born. When my mom found out she was pregnant with me she already had three toddlers. She was not pleased with the news. She did not look forward to my birth but then… She was listening to the radio and a program came on about some awful disease that children could have when born. This totally adjusted her attitude. She began to diligently pray that I would be born without that disease, that I would be healthy. I was. I think those prayers set my life on a trajectory to love and serve God. Mom once told me that even as a very young child I had great faith and when I prayed my prayers were answered. She told me a story about a lost pet turtle that I prayed for and was found.

Then as a preschooler I lost 75% of my hearing. Being deaf is very isolating. When I wasn’t sure what people around me were saying, I isolated. But in my isolation, there was one Voice I could clearly hear – God’s. Thankfully an operation reversed my hearing loss. My connection with God remained strong. I still felt close to him and many a Sunday found me at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.

I loved praising Him and joined the children’s choir directed by Ruth Farrar. The bond with Him felt extra close when we sang those beautiful old hymns plus St. Andrew’s was set in the woods and the beauty of nature combined with hymns of praise raised my spirits high, high, high.

I continued to love God BUT then I went to Ohio State in the midst of the “God is Dead” movement and joined my peers in unbelief. Deep down in my spirit, I knew He existed and wasn’t dead but peer pressure is an intense thing. I backed away from church.

But then, four months after Ray and I married, Ray’s children from his first marriage came to live with us. I felt they needed to be in church so I took them to St. Andew’s. I even taught a children’s Sunday School class. I was content with a Sunday kind of faith until the Charismatic Movement hit.

Many Episcopalians are known as “the frozen chosen” with good cause. Outward expressions of emotion were frowned upon but then our church was inundated with Charismatics. Our minister, Rev. Bill Worman had a “born again” experience precipitating the invasion. I bristled at these new people with their tactless manifestations of emotional worship. They even stood up during worship and lifted their hands in praise! I was horrified. But then…

I noticed a couple of women, Terry Myers and Linda Woloszynek. They were unique to me. They talked about God like He was their best friend, like He even spoke to them and they had a real high regard for the Bible. I’d never really read the Bible, didn’t even own one so one day while at my mom’s home, I stole hers. It was the King James Version.

I think it was D.L. Moody who said, “Either this book will keep you from sin or sin will keep you from this book.” Reading the New Testament showed me that I could NEVER get into heaven without God’s forgiveness. His standards are too high. Again and again, I was reminded of how I didn’t measure up to God’s perfect ways. But as a charter member of “the frozen chosen” I would NEVER have responded to an altar call. Fortunately for me, God didn’t require a public profession for me to begin my walk with Him. For me that walk began in earnest in December 1974 when in my bedroom I vacillated between turning my life over to Christ or committing suicide. I decided that if life under Christ’s control didn’t work out, I could always commit suicide later. Fortunately, it has worked out. Oh, there were plenty of battles between my flesh and God but ultimately my arms are too short to fight with God and He won every battle. I’ll save those stories for another time. 

The Story Behind the Poem

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

 He was a tall boy with curly blond hair. He lived in the Mentor Headlands and rode my school bus. I learned that he had run away from home and when he returned, I asked him why. He responded, “Mrs. Wagner, my step-mom hates me.” Being a step-mom myself I told him, “Christopher sometimes it’s hard for a step-parent to communicate their love to their step-children but I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.” When he replied, “They didn’t even look for me for three days,” my heart sank. I wished I could have taken him in my arms and given him a big bear hug. That was when I decided to write him a poem to tell him that he was special and there was a reason for his life. Once written, I chose to give it out to the entire bus on the last day before Christmas vacation so that he wasn’t singled out. I don’t know if he ever “got” the message but since that time I have passed out that poem every Christmas season. Enjoy!

                                                              My Gift to You

                                                          By Jill Krueger Wagner

I’d like to give a gift to you, but it can’t be bought or sold. Still, it’s extremely valuable; it’s even worth more than gold. For with it you can find happiness that no one can destroy. No matter what life’s trial, this gift you’ll still enjoy. For this gift is the knowledge that there was a reason for your birth. And no matter who tells you otherwise your life has invaluable worth. So, when you’re feeling discouraged and you feel like a castaway remember, you’re here for a reason, never be led astray. Self-pity or an angry reaction to the trials in your life will destroy the work the Creator is trying to do through the strife. So, trust He knows what He’s doing and He will see you through. And remember; though He’s created billions - He only made one just like you.

Hearing God Speak

By Jill Krueger Wagner

In John 10:27 Jesus said, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” However, if you claim to have heard from God, those who don’t know Him will think you’re crazy. Some Christians believe that once the New Testament was completed, God stopped speaking any way except through the Bible. Yet, in Malachi 3:6 we learn that “the Lord does not change” and Hebrews 13:8 we learn that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” So, if He spoke to people in both the Old and New Testaments, doesn’t it make sense that He STILL speaks? Isn’t it possible that those who say God has never spoken to them, simply don’t recognize His voice? A former minister of mine once said something like, “It would be great if when thoughts come into our heads there was a little bubble like in the comics that said, ‘this is God speaking or this is the devil, or these are my own thoughts.’” We have to learn to discern where our thoughts come from and that isn’t always easy. Just like when God spoke to Elijah in a “still, quiet voice” (1 Kings 19:11-13), we need to recognize His Voice.

One sure fire way to know it’s NOT God speaking is if what you hear is contrary to the Bible. God will never tempt you to sin. (James 1:13) However, if you don’t know your Bible, how will you be able to be discern what sin is? The first step in learning God’s language, is to learn about Him. Since Jesus was “the exact representation” of God (Hebrews 1:3), reading the New Testament will educate you on who God is. God’s standard of holiness is VERY high. If Jesus had not covered all our sins when we repented and turned to Him, none of us would make it into His Kingdom. Now our names are written in the Lamb’s book of life (Revelation 21:27) and if we occasionally commit sin, we can depend on 1 John 1: 9 to make us holy in Christ, we’re acceptable by His blood not our worthiness (Romans 3:23-24).   

Priscilla Shirer mentioned that we should write down our interactions with God. That prompted me to go over my communication from God since December of 1974, which is when I repented and turned to Him. Sometimes when I heard His voice, I was ashamed, repented and was cleansed. Sometimes, I fought Him – totally deserving a lightening strike that never came but I did learn when I saw the results of my rebellion hurting my family. Sometimes His Words were the sweetest I’d ever heard, laying to rest past hurts. Sometimes it was challenging to obey but I saw in hindsight the good that came out of my reluctant obedience.

Learn to listen! And if you’re not sure that what you’re hearing is from God, ask your pastor or a mature Christian brother or sister to help you with discernment. 

Bittersweet Christmas by Jill Krueger Wagner

 Originally written for nursing home residents I was visiting.

Bittersweet Christmas – they’re not what they used to be

When our children woke with excitement & faces shone with glee

When we were young & our bodies responded as they should

We’d laugh & joke & plan the day knowing it would be good

These days there’s not much shopping we can do at our age,

Even if our legs could stand the walking, we no longer make a wage.

So, frustrations mount as we look back to Christmases gone by.

We fret & stew & reminisce but most of all, we cry;

It’s hard to fight the sorrow that persists as Christmas nears.

When all about seem cheerful but we find ourselves in tears

Then early one morning as I pray, I hear a still quiet voice say:

 

“Bittersweet Christmas? Why should this be?

I can tell you’ve taken your eyes off of me.

This season is not for worshipping you

And all the old holidays you knew.

This day is for me, come as a babe,

Humbling myself so you could be saved.

When sorrow overtakes you, it’s our old enemy

Trying to keep you from worshipping me.

Don’t give into self-pity but instead raise your voice

Glorify me by making this choice:

Choose to be happy for what I did that day,

Leaving my throne in heaven for a manger full of hay.

It was no small sacrifice to become a baby there

When I made the universe, everything everywhere.

And why should I, the God divine, humble myself so?

So you & every believer could overcome the foe.

Yet here you are forlorn, forgetting all I’ve done

Worshipping old earthly things, when your salvation has been won

And no small price did I pay to reconcile you to the Father,

So, this Christmas sing my praises – you may not have another!”

 

Lord, forgive me for my selfishness, I really didn’t see

This day is not for us, but instead to glorify thee

I vow it won’t be bittersweet, but the happiest one yet

And I’ll concentrate on giving joy & not on what I’ll get

I’ll look for those who need cheering & perhaps in that way

I’ll REALLY keep Christmas as a truly Christ- centered day.

 

Put a Dent in Depression

By Jill Krueger Wagner

In 2022, within a 7-month period, I lost my mother, our son, and a good friend. In addition, I had several other trials, among them was a dental condition that resulted in the loss of a front tooth and several months of visits to an endodontist to get a replacement tooth. I was reeling emotionally. One with whom I shared my burdens and received godly counsel was gone and, although I had many supporting me, I was plunged into a deep sorrow. Having been through other trials in my Christian walk, I knew God still loved me and, having learned from the book of Job to cling to God in difficulties, I did cling to Him. Still many days the sorrow seemed to overwhelm my entire being.

I had always been a joyful person yet, after this, many days when I opened my eyes a deep sense of overwhelming sorrow consumed me. I began to affirm the truths I knew from God’s Word out loud. I would say this upon awakening: “This is the day the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice & be glad in it! I will resist the devil & he will flee from me. Jesus is the way, the truth, & the life, He will show me how to overcome today. I am not my own, I was bought at a price; therefore, I will honor God with Kingdom thoughts. God has good plans for me so whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, I will think on such things. I will seize the day for Jesus dressed in the whole armor of God, the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the sword of the Spirit, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation & my feet ready to spread the Gospel. If God be for me, who can be against me? Private Wagner reporting for duty.”

Some days that was enough but on others, I needed more. Then I recalled a radio show I’d heard years before of another mother who had lost a child. She said the only thing that brought her out of that “deep night of the soul” was listening to the Bible on tape. Tapes have gone the way of the dinosaurs but I downloaded several YouVersion translations of the New Testament onto my phone and while brushing my teeth, washing my face, and getting dressed, I listen. It’s amazing to me how that can reorient my day. On really hard days, I would listen longer. I would carry my phone with me while making meals, doing dishes, cleaning, etc.

You Version is found at https://www.youversion.com/. Not all of the versions there have audio but many do.

If you have difficult days, try listening to the New Testament and you, too, might just put a dent in depression. HOWEVER, a word of warning. The first time I read the Bible, I was overwhelmed with guilt. Before that I never understood that God’s standards are unbelievably high. When I saw clearly how many ways I didn’t measure up, I was undone. I went to my minister to see what I should do. I had already made Jesus my Lord and Savior but oh the angst I felt when I realized I was in the wrong on many levels. I will never forget Rev. Bill Worman’s response. When I told him I could never measure up, he slapped his knee and said, “Praise God, you’ve got it!” I’m sure it was the dumbfounded look on my face that told him – “nope, I haven’t a clue.” So, he explained, “Jill, if you could ever measure up to God’s standards, Jesus would not have had to die for your sins. The reason He came was mankind couldn’t hope to achieve God’s demands. We needed someone to cover our faults and Jesus did that.” The blinders fell from my eyes and I saw the truth that no matter how hard I tried to please God, I would always need a Savior who could stand in the gap between God’s righteous demands and my futile attempts to be good enough. So now when I read something in the Bible that reminds me that I don’t make the grade, I confess then recite 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful & just & will forgive us our sins & cleanse us from all righteousness.” Amen!!!

Struggling with Emotions

By Jill Krueger Wagner

Since I was a little girl, I have struggled with one particular emotion. It grabs ahold of me and shoves me down into a state of utter defeat. I retreat into myself and am a most miserable woman.

I found a visual aide in Genesis 4:7 that helps me to fight emotions. Cain was struggling with anger and jealousy. He was upset that God accepted Abel’s sacrifice but not his. (Why God wasn’t pleased with his offering won’t be covered here). God told him, “If you do what is right (offer an acceptable sacrifice), will you not be accepted? BUT if you do not do what is right, sin is CROUCHING AT YOUR DOOR, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

That is my visual aide. Emotions themselves aren’t necessarily sinful, although they can lead to sin, as in Cain’s case where his anger and jealousy led him to murder Cain. But when I picture my strongest emotions: anger, self-pity, or revenge, as crouching animals desiring to “have me,” control me, and make me act in a way that displeases God, it helps me to choose an emotion that is pleasing to God like joy, thankfulness, or forgiveness. I look for verses that speak of those good emotions and speak them out to God because I don’t want some crouching evil having its way with me.