The Beginning of my Spiritual Journey

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

Several years ago, someone on Facebook asked me why I posted so much about God. My response was something like “because He’d done so much for me and I love Him deeply.”

God’s work in my life actually began before I was born. When my mom found out she was pregnant with me she already had three toddlers. She was not pleased with the news. She did not look forward to my birth but then… She was listening to the radio and a program came on about some awful disease that children could have when born. This totally adjusted her attitude. She began to diligently pray that I would be born without that disease, that I would be healthy. I was. I think those prayers set my life on a trajectory to love and serve God. Mom once told me that even as a very young child I had great faith and when I prayed my prayers were answered. She told me a story about a lost pet turtle that I prayed for and was found.

Then as a preschooler I lost 75% of my hearing. Being deaf is very isolating. When I wasn’t sure what people around me were saying, I isolated. But in my isolation, there was one Voice I could clearly hear – God’s. Thankfully an operation reversed my hearing loss. My connection with God remained strong. I still felt close to him and many a Sunday found me at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.

I loved praising Him and joined the children’s choir directed by Ruth Farrar. The bond with Him felt extra close when we sang those beautiful old hymns plus St. Andrew’s was set in the woods and the beauty of nature combined with hymns of praise raised my spirits high, high, high.

I continued to love God BUT then I went to Ohio State in the midst of the “God is Dead” movement and joined my peers in unbelief. Deep down in my spirit, I knew He existed and wasn’t dead but peer pressure is an intense thing. I backed away from church.

But then, four months after Ray and I married, Ray’s children from his first marriage came to live with us. I felt they needed to be in church so I took them to St. Andew’s. I even taught a children’s Sunday School class. I was content with a Sunday kind of faith until the Charismatic Movement hit.

Many Episcopalians are known as “the frozen chosen” with good cause. Outward expressions of emotion were frowned upon but then our church was inundated with Charismatics. Our minister, Rev. Bill Worman had a “born again” experience precipitating the invasion. I bristled at these new people with their tactless manifestations of emotional worship. They even stood up during worship and lifted their hands in praise! I was horrified. But then…

I noticed a couple of women, Terry Myers and Linda Woloszynek. They were unique to me. They talked about God like He was their best friend, like He even spoke to them and they had a real high regard for the Bible. I’d never really read the Bible, didn’t even own one so one day while at my mom’s home, I stole hers. It was the King James Version.

I think it was D.L. Moody who said, “Either this book will keep you from sin or sin will keep you from this book.” Reading the New Testament showed me that I could NEVER get into heaven without God’s forgiveness. His standards are too high. Again and again, I was reminded of how I didn’t measure up to God’s perfect ways. But as a charter member of “the frozen chosen” I would NEVER have responded to an altar call. Fortunately for me, God didn’t require a public profession for me to begin my walk with Him. For me that walk began in earnest in December 1974 when in my bedroom I vacillated between turning my life over to Christ or committing suicide. I decided that if life under Christ’s control didn’t work out, I could always commit suicide later. Fortunately, it has worked out. Oh, there were plenty of battles between my flesh and God but ultimately my arms are too short to fight with God and He won every battle. I’ll save those stories for another time.