Baby Steps (and Falls) in My Early Spiritual Journey

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

Once I committed my life to Christ, I watched others in the church to see what it meant to be a committed Christian. I noted some who said they were Christians but didn’t act like it – their moral compasses didn’t seem to be pointing North to heaven. However, there were others who had a grace about them. They seemed content in their own skin and would lovingly stand up for what was right. They treated those around them with respect. I began to pick the brains of these North-facing ones because I wanted to be one, too. As I spoke with them, they all seemed to have one thing in common – they consistently read their Bibles. They believed that the Bible was the Word of God and they didn’t just read it, they studied it, and even memorized it. I knew that I wanted to be a like them so I determined to read the Bible. Also, around this same time, my brother-in-law challenged me regarding the doctrine of the Trinity. I determined to find out what the Bible said about the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit being God. I started reading from Genesis to Revelation to determine if the doctrine was in there. It is. Nowhere are they called the Trinity but all three are clearly shown to be God. That was one challenge answered but another was going to present itself.

I come from a family of very strong women. My great-grandmother traversed the country in a covered wagon. My mother achieved many firsts for women in our area and my godmother, although not a blood relative, showed me by example that women could be whatever they wanted to be – she was the first woman mayor of my hometown and dramatically impacted Mentor, Ohio.

So, you can imagine my distress when I read, “Wives submit to your husbands as unto the Lord” Ephesians 5:22. My immediate response was typical of who I was at that time. “Not this German girl!”

Even if Ray had been committed to Christ at that time and was following the command given to husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Ephesians 5:25, I don’t know if I would have submitted. But he wasn’t – at that time our home was more battleground than anything else. Ray was not happy with my new found faith – in his own words, “that’s not what I signed up for.” I certainly was not about to place myself under his control. I was not about to comply.

I went to see my minister to discuss the whole concept.

From what I remember about our talk, he explained as best he could to his hostile audience that the Bible didn’t say that women were less than men but that there was a prescribed hierarchy in marriage. I wasn’t buying it. I had a mind of my own and told him so. Again, he tried to explain that since God wants us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, He wants us to use our minds. Furthermore, just like a ship must have only one captain in charge who must answer to the ship’s owners for any decision that impacts the ship and cargo, the husband is answerable to God for the “ship” of our marriage.  Still not buying it. Even when I told him that Ray didn’t want me coming to church, he said then I should stay home happily. NOPE!!! Perhaps I’d have to stay home (he wasn’t above hiding my keys) but I would not be happy about it and the man would know the wrath of Jill. He “allowed” me to go to church on Sundays but no other day.

So, ironically, because Bible study at church was out of the question Christian radio was where I learned what God expected of me. I was mentored by some giants in the faith through the radio. I got a solid grounding in what it really meant to be a Christian. AND, much to my dismay, these same mentors believed wives should submit to their husbands – even the teachers who were women. Did I submit then? NO!

Over and over, I was given the opportunity to obey God in this, and over and over, I rebelled. And just like the way God discipled Israel through the years, He started disciplining me in small ways – things happened that, in my spirit, I knew were discipline from God, but I persisted. Finally, one day when I had fought with Ray and stormed out of the house I got in my car in response to a disagreement. Then I got a flat tire. Now those of you in my hometown know that as the first family of the town at that time, we knew everyone. Yet, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t find anyone to help me with that dang tire. I had to call Ray and that stuck in my craw. However, after that, I heard the voice of the Lord. He asked me this question, “Jill, do you want to see what happens after the flat tire?” Suddenly the fear of our righteous God grabbed me and I knew I didn’t want to see what God would do next. I reluctantly told Him, I would obey.

I didn’t have to wait long for an opportunity. There was a series of classes at night at my church that I wanted to attend. I spoke to Ray of my desire to which he responded, “Absolutely not!” It was like someone put TNT in my mouth and I exploded. I screamed, “Absolutely not!!! Who do you think you are –  my father? I don’t need another father.” At this I once again heard the Lord say, “Jill, you’ve submitted data, now submit.” Reluctantly, I did.

The result was something I will never forget. From the sidelines of the football field where Ray was a volunteer coach for one of our sons, I saw one of the other coaches, who towered over Ray, over and over again poke him in the chest. I wondered what was going on.

When we got home, Ray told me about the man insisted on his own way and bullied Ray into going along. I couldn’t help but smile. He asked me what was so funny to which I responded “I know what it feels like to be bullied and it’s no fun.” His reply was, “Is this about that stupid class you want to take? Go ahead, I’ll watch the kids.” To say I was stunned would be an understatement. In all our years of marriage, Ray had never backed down from what he said, this was a first and all of a sudden, I remembered all those Christians who told me that when we do things God’s way, he intercedes for us. Lesson learned.

 

The Beginning of my Spiritual Journey

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

Several years ago, someone on Facebook asked me why I posted so much about God. My response was something like “because He’d done so much for me and I love Him deeply.”

God’s work in my life actually began before I was born. When my mom found out she was pregnant with me she already had three toddlers. She was not pleased with the news. She did not look forward to my birth but then… She was listening to the radio and a program came on about some awful disease that children could have when born. This totally adjusted her attitude. She began to diligently pray that I would be born without that disease, that I would be healthy. I was. I think those prayers set my life on a trajectory to love and serve God. Mom once told me that even as a very young child I had great faith and when I prayed my prayers were answered. She told me a story about a lost pet turtle that I prayed for and was found.

Then as a preschooler I lost 75% of my hearing. Being deaf is very isolating. When I wasn’t sure what people around me were saying, I isolated. But in my isolation, there was one Voice I could clearly hear – God’s. Thankfully an operation reversed my hearing loss. My connection with God remained strong. I still felt close to him and many a Sunday found me at St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church.

I loved praising Him and joined the children’s choir directed by Ruth Farrar. The bond with Him felt extra close when we sang those beautiful old hymns plus St. Andrew’s was set in the woods and the beauty of nature combined with hymns of praise raised my spirits high, high, high.

I continued to love God BUT then I went to Ohio State in the midst of the “God is Dead” movement and joined my peers in unbelief. Deep down in my spirit, I knew He existed and wasn’t dead but peer pressure is an intense thing. I backed away from church.

But then, four months after Ray and I married, Ray’s children from his first marriage came to live with us. I felt they needed to be in church so I took them to St. Andew’s. I even taught a children’s Sunday School class. I was content with a Sunday kind of faith until the Charismatic Movement hit.

Many Episcopalians are known as “the frozen chosen” with good cause. Outward expressions of emotion were frowned upon but then our church was inundated with Charismatics. Our minister, Rev. Bill Worman had a “born again” experience precipitating the invasion. I bristled at these new people with their tactless manifestations of emotional worship. They even stood up during worship and lifted their hands in praise! I was horrified. But then…

I noticed a couple of women, Terry Myers and Linda Woloszynek. They were unique to me. They talked about God like He was their best friend, like He even spoke to them and they had a real high regard for the Bible. I’d never really read the Bible, didn’t even own one so one day while at my mom’s home, I stole hers. It was the King James Version.

I think it was D.L. Moody who said, “Either this book will keep you from sin or sin will keep you from this book.” Reading the New Testament showed me that I could NEVER get into heaven without God’s forgiveness. His standards are too high. Again and again, I was reminded of how I didn’t measure up to God’s perfect ways. But as a charter member of “the frozen chosen” I would NEVER have responded to an altar call. Fortunately for me, God didn’t require a public profession for me to begin my walk with Him. For me that walk began in earnest in December 1974 when in my bedroom I vacillated between turning my life over to Christ or committing suicide. I decided that if life under Christ’s control didn’t work out, I could always commit suicide later. Fortunately, it has worked out. Oh, there were plenty of battles between my flesh and God but ultimately my arms are too short to fight with God and He won every battle. I’ll save those stories for another time. 

The Story Behind the Poem

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

 He was a tall boy with curly blond hair. He lived in the Mentor Headlands and rode my school bus. I learned that he had run away from home and when he returned, I asked him why. He responded, “Mrs. Wagner, my step-mom hates me.” Being a step-mom myself I told him, “Christopher sometimes it’s hard for a step-parent to communicate their love to their step-children but I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.” When he replied, “They didn’t even look for me for three days,” my heart sank. I wished I could have taken him in my arms and given him a big bear hug. That was when I decided to write him a poem to tell him that he was special and there was a reason for his life. Once written, I chose to give it out to the entire bus on the last day before Christmas vacation so that he wasn’t singled out. I don’t know if he ever “got” the message but since that time I have passed out that poem every Christmas season. Enjoy!

                                                              My Gift to You

                                                          By Jill Krueger Wagner

I’d like to give a gift to you, but it can’t be bought or sold. Still, it’s extremely valuable; it’s even worth more than gold. For with it you can find happiness that no one can destroy. No matter what life’s trial, this gift you’ll still enjoy. For this gift is the knowledge that there was a reason for your birth. And no matter who tells you otherwise your life has invaluable worth. So, when you’re feeling discouraged and you feel like a castaway remember, you’re here for a reason, never be led astray. Self-pity or an angry reaction to the trials in your life will destroy the work the Creator is trying to do through the strife. So, trust He knows what He’s doing and He will see you through. And remember; though He’s created billions - He only made one just like you.