By Jill Krueger Wagner
When young couples discover that my husband and I have been
married over 50 years they often want to know the secret to a long marriage. I often
laugh inwardly. In truth there were times when each of us considered divorce
and our home felt like a battleground. There is no “secret,” but there are
habits that make a marriage long-lasting and S.A.F.E., too.
Speak truth lovingly
Your mate will have habits and do things that irritate you. He isn’t perfect but just remember neither are you. If you want him to extend grace to you for your failings, do the same for him. This does not mean that we turn a blind eye to disrespect – God does not expect you to be a doormat. He gave you a brain, He expects you to use it and “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” You and your husband will sharpen one another as you work through disagreements in a loving way, accepting each other at the core level while gently pointing out faults you each need to work through to be like Christ. And to be like Christ you need to know Him and His Word. Read your Bible consistently. You will be amazed at the good advice found there, like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Make it your goal to love like that and watch your tongue – it can be a deadly poison to your marriage, James 3:8.
Accept one another
Many times I’ve heard the saying that God loves us where we are but He loves us too much to let us stay where we are. In order to be like Christ, we must accept our husbands, faults and all. We speak truth lovingly but it’s a pipedream to think that he is going to miraculously change a bad habit. Some of his bad habits may stem from long held pain. I think this is when we can turn into nags. Instead of “once again” bringing up his faults, ask God to remind him of what you’ve said and to use others to spur him on to change and pray. I once heard someone on the radio ask a woman “if your husband became wheelchair bound would you stand by him?” She answered in the affirmative. Then he went on to explain that some hurts are as crippling as a broken back and to encourage her to love him, anyway.
Forgive
Ruth Bell Graham often said, “A good marriage is made up of
two good forgivers.” YES!
You will have reasons to resent one another. We can all be
thoughtless. When your mate does something that hurts your feelings, you have a
choice to make. Will you “make them pay” or give them forgiveness? Be like
Jesus and forgive. It is God’s commandment. Read Matthew 18:21-35 and remember
we ask God to forgive as we forgiven (Matthew 6:12).
An excellent book on forgiveness is “The Art of Forgiveness”
By Lewis B. Smedes.
Encourage
Life is tough and we often look at it only from our
perspective. Be open to others who can show you what you may miss. An attitude
adjustment can be found it unlikely places. When I was resenting Ray, I had a
friend visit from out of town. I was dumbfounded when she told me I was lucky
to have a man like Ray. When I asked her why she thought so, she explained that
she had been married three times and was presently just living with a man and
none of those men chose to financially support the family. To say I was stunned
is a gross understatement. It never occurred to me that Ray wouldn’t support
his family but there are plenty of men who don’t.
I was blessed to have a Pastor who had no trouble pointing
out to me that I didn’t consistently act like a good wife from a man’s point of
view. I lacked encouragement towards him so Ray sometimes felt that he was
nothing more than a paycheck to the family. Pastor Diggs urged me to ask what
was going on at work when he was in a foul mood. I was amazed at the
correlation between work issues and his mood. As a good man who cared to
support us, he couldn’t just walk away when work was tough – the bills still
needed to be paid.
As I read over this blog, I can’t help but feel a bit of
conviction because, although these are my desires, I don’t always live up to my
own expectations for myself. Thankfully, I’m married to a man who accepts his
very flawed wife.
