Married Over 50 Years

By Jill Krueger Wagner

When young couples discover that my husband and I have been married over 50 years they often want to know the secret to a long marriage. I often laugh inwardly. In truth there were times when each of us considered divorce and our home felt like a battleground. There is no “secret,” but there are habits that make a marriage long-lasting and S.A.F.E., too.

Speak truth lovingly

Your mate will have habits and do things that irritate you. He isn’t perfect but just remember neither are you. If you want him to extend grace to you for your failings, do the same for him. This does not mean that we turn a blind eye to disrespect – God does not expect you to be a doormat. He gave you a brain, He expects you to use it and “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” You and your husband will sharpen one another as you work through disagreements in a loving way, accepting each other at the core level while gently pointing out faults you each need to work through to be like Christ. And to be like Christ you need to know Him and His Word. Read your Bible consistently. You will be amazed at the good advice found there, like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Make it your goal to love like that and watch your tongue – it can be a deadly poison to your marriage, James 3:8.

Accept one another

Many times I’ve heard the saying that God loves us where we are but He loves us too much to let us stay where we are. In order to be like Christ, we must accept our husbands, faults and all. We speak truth lovingly but it’s a pipedream to think that he is going to miraculously change a bad habit. Some of his bad habits may stem from long held pain. I think this is when we can turn into nags. Instead of “once again” bringing up his faults, ask God to remind him of what you’ve said and to use others to spur him on to change and pray. I once heard someone on the radio ask a woman “if your husband became wheelchair bound would you stand by him?” She answered in the affirmative. Then he went on to explain that some hurts are as crippling as a broken back and to encourage her to love him, anyway.

Forgive

Ruth Bell Graham often said, “A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.” YES!

You will have reasons to resent one another. We can all be thoughtless. When your mate does something that hurts your feelings, you have a choice to make. Will you “make them pay” or give them forgiveness? Be like Jesus and forgive. It is God’s commandment. Read Matthew 18:21-35 and remember we ask God to forgive as we forgiven (Matthew 6:12).

An excellent book on forgiveness is “The Art of Forgiveness” By Lewis B. Smedes.

Encourage

Life is tough and we often look at it only from our perspective. Be open to others who can show you what you may miss. An attitude adjustment can be found it unlikely places. When I was resenting Ray, I had a friend visit from out of town. I was dumbfounded when she told me I was lucky to have a man like Ray. When I asked her why she thought so, she explained that she had been married three times and was presently just living with a man and none of those men chose to financially support the family. To say I was stunned is a gross understatement. It never occurred to me that Ray wouldn’t support his family but there are plenty of men who don’t.

I was blessed to have a Pastor who had no trouble pointing out to me that I didn’t consistently act like a good wife from a man’s point of view. I lacked encouragement towards him so Ray sometimes felt that he was nothing more than a paycheck to the family. Pastor Diggs urged me to ask what was going on at work when he was in a foul mood. I was amazed at the correlation between work issues and his mood. As a good man who cared to support us, he couldn’t just walk away when work was tough – the bills still needed to be paid.

As I read over this blog, I can’t help but feel a bit of conviction because, although these are my desires, I don’t always live up to my own expectations for myself. Thankfully, I’m married to a man who accepts his very flawed wife.

Honor, Integrity, and Commitment. By Jill Krueger Wagner

What do you think of when you read those words?  What does it mean to display honor, integrity, and commitment?

I think of a quote by D.L. Moody. He said, “Character is what you are in the dark.” People with honor, integrity, and commitment show character all the time even in the dark and when nobody is watching. But in today’s world the world is watching (and judging) every little thing.

When an honorable person knows that doing the right thing will result in pain for themselves, they do it anyway. That isn’t easy. There is such a temptation to take the comfortable way. Most of us have given in to follow “the broad path that leads to destruction” a time or two. We want to do the right thing but we can shove our noble desires down and let our thoughts of self-preservation reign. Does that mean we lack honor or does it just mean we are flawed people who sometimes chose survival over doing the right thing. I can clearly hear Jesus saying, “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”

All this came to mind today when I read about Naomi Osaka bulking at honoring her contract to talk to the media. On one hand my heart breaks for her. We all know how depression has resulted in tragedy for those who struggle with it – it is not something to be taken lightly. Self-image takes an awful hit when depressed. We also know that the news media can be a brutal, nasty group. I wonder doesn’t her media representative prepare her ahead of time with probable questions and prep her with good answers?  Yet, in a society governed by law, shouldn’t the question of being able to handle horrible media be addressed before signing a contract that requires it?

Furthermore, if we want more civility from our news media, shouldn’t we demand it? Too often news people ask questions, not looking for answers, as Talbot Davis says, but “to gain an advantage.”  They won’t change unless the public demands a change. We need to contact those giving the media a bad name, causing undo stress on players, and require them to be respectful.

Overcoming Parental Guilt by Jill Krueger Wagner

I still remember when years ago someone said to me, “Motherhood is just one big guilt trip.” We were young mamas and I didn’t agree at the time. There were indeed times when guilt overwhelmed me, like when Brandon complained he hurt his shoulder in a neighborhood baseball game and I thought he was overacting. Two days later a friend picked him up and caused him to cry. Finally I took him to the doctor and with one look the nurse pronounced that he obviously had a dislocated shoulder. Yep – that caused me lots of guilt.

Then there were times of overreaction to behavior – ranting and screaming in which the response didn’t fit the offense. Times when stress crashed in on me and I became unreasonable taking it out on the kids. Yes, there were times of guilt but my Mom, Dad and Jesus have taught me how to handle those.

Mom taught me through this great saying, “There was only one perfect person that ever walking this earth and they crucified Him.” The message I heard loud and clear was you won’t be a perfect parent so give yourself some grace. Learn from your mistakes.

Dad taught me what to do after you blew it as a parent. He had falsely accused me of doing something but then he discovered the truth. He immediately came to me, humbly asked my forgiveness, and tried to right the wrong. My estimation of him went up tenfold that day. I know some parents don’t think you should apologize to children but, honestly, kids aren’t stupid – they know when you’ve blown it. Fess up, ask their forgiveness. Admit your mistakes.

Jesus taught me that “love covers a multitude of sins” 1 Peter 4:8 and “If we confess our sins, he’s faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us of all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9 And He points us to apply Philippians 4:8 to our kids. It’s too easy as a parent to focus on our kid’s negative behavior instead of looking at what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy in the person Jesus created them to be. If we read our Bibles consistently and stay close to Jesus, He’ll train us in the way we should go as parents so we can train them. Ask Jesus to show you how to overcome your mistakes.

My youngest is now 42 and my oldest 56 and I clearly see how some mistakes I made in raising all four of them negatively impacted them. I could beat myself up over that (and truthfully occasionally do) but there is nothing I can do to right those wrongs. I’ve confessed to them how I wish I’d done some things differently and they’ve graciously forgiven me so now there is only one thing left to do. I need to forgive myself for past mistakes.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going! By Jill Krueger Wagner

Being a mom is one of the toughest jobs in the world. If, as little girls, we dreamed of one day being a mom, I doubt any of us dreamed of how we’d handle public meltdowns, being in a constant state of exhaustion, disagreements with our spouse over discipline, and handling constant sibling rivalry. (See

http://redeemedmoments.blogspot.com/2020/04/gods-fight-school-by-jill-krueger-wagner.html

for my thoughts on that.) We thought of cuddling our babies, hearing them express their love for us, and showing them off in adorable little outfits when young and bragging about their achievements as they got older. Alas whoever first said motherhood was a thankless job spoke the truth. UNTIL years later when those same children look around and see how they benefitted from having a wise, loving mom as compared to those who were not as blessed. In our society that wants instant everything, it’s hard to wait decades for a reward but I can tell you, it’s worth it. Keep on keeping on mama, don’t give up. You can do this. They are worth your investment. Your ROI will come.

Take those babies to church and teach them to “love one another.” Have them memorize Bible verses that will be a benefit to them when they are tempted to do something that will compromise their integrity and make them “less.” Read your Bible so you may “grow daily in the knowledge and love of the Lord,” so that you are wise in the way you raise them and how you treat their father. Reading God’s Word allows you to hear the voice of the Lord speaking through His written Word. He is the absolute best counselor on how to train your children. When kids act up sometimes they need discipline and sometimes they need a listening ear, a hug, and some guidance on a better way to handle their frustrations. Pray for your guidance, pray for them and with them. There are unseen forces who want to destroy their lives – stand between them and those forces

You’ve got this mama. It may be hard but you must, “never give up, never give up, never, never, never give up!”

Love Even That Neighbor By Jill Krueger Wagner

In the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), Jesus showed that your neighbor wasn’t just someone who lived in your vicinity but anyone brought into your life through circumstances. So not only your immediate neighbors but also coworkers, fellow Sunday school attenders, Facebook friends, restaurant servers, etc.

I feel great conviction about my wrong attitude when I realize that I’m to love even those who possess the character qualities that I personally find annoying. Instead, I want to rant to my husband and my best friend about their very exasperating behavior.

I know what love is according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, yet I don’t want to apply it to this person who simply rubs me the wrong way. Yet God wants me to love her because He loves her and His requirements are clearly spelled out in Roman’s 12:10 where it says, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”

So I’m asking today if you will pray for me to love one I consider grating and, if you need me to do the same for you, feel free to let me know here or send me a personal message.

Our 2020 Christmas Letter

 

Many of you know that 2020 started off very rough for Ray and me. Ray suffered a stroke on December 23 while we were in Cleveland. That was followed by a week in University Hospital. Then after we got back to Charlotte he went into rehab, followed by months of physical, occupational, and speech therapy. Although the therapists were first rate things looked grim at first. I wondered if I should even attempt to write a Christmas letter this year but God deserves glory for all He did in our trial.

“God wraps grace around us to hold us together during the storms of life. It means that when the wind and waves are beating on our lives from all sides, and we fear we aren’t going to make it through, His grace holds us together; His grace supports us; His grace strengthens us; His grace keeps us secure. It doesn’t stop the waves from coming, but it keeps us from falling apart.” Erin H. Warren from her book “Way Maker.”

As I looked over the entries in my thank you journal I saw how God stepped up for us. He provided financially through my employer. There was no way I could have gone to work and left Ray but I was given paid medical leave.

God provided practical and spiritual support through our church and family and friends – prayers, calls, and cards lifted us up to remind us that we weren’t in this alone. The church supplied the wheelchair we needed. I praise God that our services were online because I needed spiritual food and one sermon in particular was just for me. Pastor said, “Circumstances can’t destroy you when your savior defines you.” Amen Talbot! Our church family also supplied dozens of meals first because of Ray’s stroke then because I broke my foot.

God supplied emotional help, too. On days when I needed to get out of the house, fellow Christians came to sit with Ray. The nurse from BGEA helped me navigate the things I had to do because Ray’s primary care physician didn’t do the job of coordinating his care. Our kids and our son-in-law went above and beyond to help in so many ways. I know I could not have navigated what was required of me without them.

Physically Ray is doing very well now. He does still struggle with some short-term memory loss but honestly who doesn’t at our age?

Although working from home due to COVID was an additional drag, I came to REALLY enjoy working in my PJs and sleeping in later. I actually get much more done without the normal distractions of an office setting.

One very bright spot in our year was celebrating our 50^th wedding anniversary. Meredith originally wanted to have a big party but because of COVID that was out of the question so she invited us to her lake house. We carefully traveled to Ohio and she planned a Zoom meeting of many family and friends and fixed us a fantastic meal.

All in all, Ray and I feel that, although not our favorite year, 2020 will go down in the Wagner family history as a year when God helped us, sustained us, and grew us spiritually.

May God bless your Christmas and the New Year.

                                                                                    Love,

                                                                                    Ray and Jill

Let your love be evident to all

 By Jill Krueger Wagner

An old song declared, “They will know we are Christians by our love.” Unfortunately that is not the case today. Many Christians are known more for their antagonism towards anyone who is different from them. That breaks my heart.

A good portion of the New Testament addressed how God made one people out of Jews and Gentiles yet today the challenge seems to be to make one church of conservatives and liberals. It must break God’s heart to see accusations thrown at His people from His people. I wish each one of us would remember that Satan is the “accuser of the brethren” and when we accuse a brother or sister we are taking a play from the devil’s playbook. He loves that.

Instead we should be living 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. This is a favorite portion of the Bible for me. It was one of the Scriptures God used to redeem my marriage by constantly asking me, “Are you loving Ray with 1 Corinthians 13 love yet?”

I wish before each of us posted on social media or spoke to another Christian we would ask ourselves, does this evidence 1 Corinthians 13 love. Is it patient, kind, envious, boastful, proud, does it dishonor a fellow Christian, is it self-seeking, easily angered, does it keep a record of wrong. Does it delight in evil or rejoice with the truth. Does it protect, trust, hope and persevere? Does it represent our loving God or our accusing enemy?

“If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself,' you do well.” James 2:8